


Define Your Destination

by asilentherald



Series: Winter Break [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Study, M/M, New York City, Pining, Pining Arthur, prequel fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1217509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilentherald/pseuds/asilentherald
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's years at uni in New York, from the day he first met Merlin up to the day he pulled the very same idiot out of a snowbank. </p><p>A companion fic for Winter Break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Define Your Destination

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started out as Arthur and Merlin encountering each other over the years and turned into a complementary piece/prequel-thing looking into Arthur's life and backstory... basically, I got a little carried away. Whoops.

The sun got in Arthur’s eyes. That was the only reason he didn’t catch the Frisbee. It soared over his head and into the quad, Arthur craning his neck to track its progress as he jogged after it. It hit the edge of the fountain and landed rather lamely on the ground. Arthur picked it up and turned around, ready to run right back, when his foot caught on _something_ – the next thing he knew, he was under water. A hand grabbed his arm and yanked him right back out. Arthur sputtered and tried to push the water out of his eyes. When his ears started working again, he saw a gangly kid with huge ears, heard him babbling on in front of him.

“What?” he said.

“I – er. Sorry?”

Arthur’s eyes narrowed.

“Did you push me in?” he demanded.

“Push? You tripped over me! Nearly pulled me down with you, too,” the guy said.

“I wish I had,” Arthur said sourly. He climbed out of the fountain and glared at the people staring. The guy rubbed the back of his neck; the sun wasn’t doing his pale skin any favors.

“Look, mate, I said I was sorry,” the guy said, but Arthur wasn’t having it.

“I’m not your mate.”

“Oh. Well, I’m Merlin,” he said, offering his hand.

“Sorry I can’t stay and chat, _Mer_ lin,” he said, looking around, “but I was in the middle of something.”

Merlin looked down at the Frisbee in his hand.

“Er. Those blokes you were playing with? They left, I think. Saw them take off a minute ago,” Merlin said, pointing over his shoulder.

“That’s—,” Arthur stopped; sure enough, they _were_ gone. “Doesn’t matter.”

He started walking away, his trainers squelching as he went.

“Hang on!” Merlin said, jogging up to him. “I’m sorry about your friends leaving.”

“They weren’t my friends; it’s just freshers week.”

Arthur turned sharply into a building he’d learned he could cut through to get to his dorm. The guy – so far, the only other English person he’d met at school – followed him. Pleasant as the water felt on a hot August day, the fountain water was vile and Arthur needed fresh clothes at least. The quiet around them was sudden and startling, too.

After a moment of awkward silence, Merlin turned to go in a different direction. Arthur’s eyes adjusted to the darkness. He’d been shrouded in shadows outside, always facing away from the sun, but now Arthur saw the cheekbones, the lovely blue eyes, the full lips that hovered in a tentative smile.

“Right, well. See you around?”

Arthur swallowed dryly. He made a non-committal gesture and left before he could make a fool of himself. Back in the privacy of his room, he stripped off and jumped in the shower. He knew he was attracted to men, but there’d been something about Merlin, something different that terrified him; it was ten times worse than anything he’d ever felt before, like trying to pull away from the opposite pole of a magnet. He was left feeling changed, even after the idiot had tripped him into the fountain.

He half-hoped he never saw Merlin again.

\---

“Why’re you in such a shitty mood?” Percy asked over the din of the club. Arthur tipped his head back and downed his drink.

“A bloke in my history classes is a complete git,” he replied. “Every time I say something, he’s got something to say back.”

“In a good way?” he asked hopefully.

“In a… let’s-take-this-outside-for-an-intellectual-alley-fight kind of way.”

“Er… all right.”

“He’s a complete idiot,” Arthur went on. The bartender appeared with another drink for him. He downed it quickly. “Stupid ears. Pushed me in the fountain, too.”

“Right. You sure you haven’t got a bit of a crush on him?”

“A crush? You’re daft, Perce,” Arthur said, shaking his head. “Who says _crush_ these days, anyway?”

“Americans?” he suggested.

“You’re all strange. Not as strange as Merlin, mind,” Arthur added, leaning in. Percy smelled good, just the right mix of cologne and alcohol and clean clothes. “He called me a clotpole after the final today. What the hell does that even mean?”

“No idea, my friend. Want another drink?”

“Hell, yes.”

“Are you going to dance or just get drunk moping over this Merlin guy?” Percy asked. Arthur thought about it. He slid off the bar stool and looked around. He felt Percy’s hand clap his shoulder and steady him. Arthur scanned the floor, but he didn’t much feel like dancing, or anything really.

As he sat back down, his eyes settled on a dark head bobbing erratically in the middle of the crowd. Percy told him to text him when he was ready to go before wading into the crowd with a girl from the bar. The crowd shifted for him – Percy was _huge_ – and Arthur got a better look at the dark-haired man. Any considerations he’d been making regarding chatting the bloke up in a half-hearted attempt at improving his night flew right out the window.

Arthur groaned. _Of course it’s him._

Arthur ended up nursing his drink for another hour. He found it took almost all of his energy not to turn around and watch Merlin dance. There were girls with him, and boys. Arthur didn’t recognize any of them, but they were all very friendly and comfortable together. They entranced Arthur, and he always had to rip his eyes away.

Merlin materialized at the bar when Arthur was long gone, hovering with only one person between them. Arthur finished off his drink and left the club. When he and Percy got back to their dorm room, Arthur, even drunk off his ass, felt unnaturally sad, like he’d missed something cool like a solar eclipse.

He may have said that aloud, to which Percy told him to go the fuck to sleep.

\---

Arthur stayed in the city over the summer. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go back home; his father was away on an extended business trip, and he doubted he’d ever see Morgana again. He’d left her calls and messages, even wrote letters, but he never sent those letters. Somehow they always ended with him standing in front of the mirror gazing at the scar on his back. It never made him angry, oddly – only sad.

There were days when he felt worse about it all. He usually holed up in Starbucks buying drink after sugary drink until he felt better. At the end of the summer, a few days before sophomore year was set to start and the students came back, he found himself doing exactly that. Rain pounded against the window overlooking a major street not far from the school. Arthur watched the drenched figures scurry by, glad he’d come to Starbucks when he did, but not particularly happy he didn’t bring an umbrella. The café was packed, so newcomers often just turned around and left or loitered until they felt drier.

Arthur didn’t intend to keep the seat across him empty by leaving his backpack on it, but it meant he got his peace. Unfortunately, that message didn’t get across to everyone –namely, Merlin.

“Mind if I sit?” he asked breathlessly. Arthur looked up. He was dripping from head to toe, his cheeks a little pink, a few droplets rolling off his nose and out of his hair onto the lid of his coffee cup.

He grunted noncommittally in response. Arthur grabbed his backpack and returned his attention to the book he was reading.

“Those are a lot of fraps, mate,” Merlin said, eyeing the stack of trash on the table.

“It’s one of those days,” Arthur said by means of an explanation. He expected Merlin to inquire further, but he only nodded sagely and accepted it. Arthur was glad.

They didn’t talk, but Merlin’s company was more than enough to distract Arthur from his book. His eyelashes fanned out against his cheekbones when he looked down to take a sip of his drink. His lips on the cup, the way his tongue darted out to lick off traces of coffee and whipped cream – after ten minutes, Arthur resolved he wouldn’t get anything else done, not with Merlin just _sitting there_.

Seeing him so unexpectedly made Arthur’s stomach twist inexplicably.

“What’re you reading?” Merlin finally asked, startling Arthur.

“Something for class,” he said evenly.

“Oh? Which one?”

“Europe after 1945.”

“Oh. I’ll be there, too,” Merlin replied. “Have you declared the history major yet?”

Arthur nodded. “At the end of last term,” he said.

“I’m declaring it on Monday,” Merlin said. “I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

“Great,” Arthur said. “I have to deal with your idiocy on a daily basis now.”

“Likewise, prat. So, the book—”

“Can’t stay. I’ve got… a thing,” Arthur said, shoving his things in his backpack. Merlin frowned at him.

“A thing? It’s still break!”

“Yes, well, we can’t all laze about for three months.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Whatever, Merlin.”

Arthur left Merlin in the Starbucks without another word or even a glance over his shoulder. Only once he got on the A train to get to his new flat, soaked to the bone and shaking, even though it wasn’t cold, did Arthur realize just how well and truly fucked he was: Merlin wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was whatever it was he felt for him.

\---

Arthur scraped through the semester. Sophomore year was proving to be much more challenging than the first; taking multiple survey courses as well as a few upper-level courses made for little free time and a constant desire to crush one’s head against the wall. Arthur was no exception. He didn’t sleep nearly as much as he’d have liked, and he never had time to do the things that helped him stay sane.

Merlin didn’t help. He was, quite literally, everywhere, and the primary reason why Arthur wasn’t sleeping much. Their arguments in one class became a weekly thing in which the professor sat back and let them go at it while the rest of the class broke out the popcorn. Arthur secretly found it fun, but only until his professor decided to use their debates as an excuse to give them more in-depth essay topics. Somehow, between Thanksgiving and finals week, their arguments transformed from heated debates into bouts of spitting fire.

The end of that semester was the last time they let any underlying enmity between them come out in class. After the period ended and everyone else scurried out of the tense atmosphere stretching between Merlin and Arthur, they sat across from each other saying nothing, staring.

“You blinked,” Merlin said.

“Did not,” Arthur frowned.

They went back to staring, until Merlin once again said Arthur blinked.

“Are we going to fucking talk about this or not?”

“Sure,” Merlin shrugged. Merlin stared expectantly until Arthur spoke again.

“Let’s keep things professional,” Arthur said.

“Fine by me.”

“Good.”

“We can keep hating each other outside of class,” Merlin said in a lightly joking tone. He started gathering his things.

“I don’t hate you,” Arthur said before he could stop himself. Merlin stopped moving and sat up. He looked at Arthur curiously, his eyes wide and confused. His hair curled sweetly over his forehead. Arthur wanted to hit himself for even noticing that.

“Er. Sorry, but I’m not finding that so easy to believe.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not the best at reading people, but generally shouting at someone on a biweekly basis that they’re incompetent and stupid doesn’t scream _friendship_!” Merlin said with an enthusiastic hand flourish. Arthur snapped his mouth shut.

“Perhaps I didn’t realize I was being so… caustic.”

“Whatever, mate. I don’t really care what you think, you know,” Merlin said, standing up. Arthur stood quickly, desperation creeping up the back of his throat.

“I see,” he said finally, feeling the edge in his voice. Merlin pulled a hat over his head and tucked his ears in. Arthur fought the urge leap across the table and physically stop him from leaving before he could convey what he suddenly needed to say. “I’m. Er. I mean.”

“I’ll stop you there, since you look like you’re in pain,” Merlin said with a tiny chuckle. He pulled the door open. “See you next term.”

He left in a flurry of coat corners and scarf fringes, leaving Arthur alone in the cold classroom, gripping the crumpled paper in his hand, voice still caught around the apology in his throat. His stomach twisted furiously, rebelling against his idiocy.

Arthur didn’t sleep at all that night. He only caught up on sleep after finals, and he didn’t leave his flat until after the Christmas craze passed. He did everything in his power not to tear a pillow apart because apparently apathy was a sharper knife than hatred.

\---

Arthur called Gaius one day in the Spring while sitting on the steps in front of the library. It was the first properly sunny day since the end of winter; Arthur was determined to soak up as much of it as possible out of habit, being raised under the overcast skies of England.

“Arthur?” came Gaius’s voice.

“Gaius,” he exhaled. “It’s good to hear you.”

“Same, my boy. How are you? How is life in America?”

“Good.”

“How is school?”

“Good. I’m studying History.”

“Is everything all right?” Gaius asked. “I’m happy to hear from you, Arthur, but I can’t help but wonder why you’ve called me.”

“I tried reaching Father the other day,” Arthur said. “I couldn’t reach him.”

“Uther’s quite well and in good health,” Gaius said, sounding wary.

“I’m glad. I hope everything is going well for him,” said Arthur, picking at stray fibers on the knees of his jeans. “Gaius, answer me honestly. Would he let me come home?”

“I see.”

“It’s not because of you, solely. It’s because of what happened with Mor—”

“I know.”

“You behaved quite foolishly, Arthur,” said Gaius. “I do hope you know this.”

“Yes,” he said dully, even though it was a lie. He didn’t regret his actions at all.

“Are you so unhappy there?”

“I… I don’t know. I’m not happy, but I don’t know how to fix it,” Arthur said, rubbing his eyes. “I’m considering transferring to UCL. Perhaps I can do better there.”

“If what you want is to please Uther, it will not work,” Gaius said gently. “He’s a very stubborn man. You may feel like the only option is to leave right now, but you will regret it.”

“How can you know?” he asked. “How? I don’t even know if I’ve got enough change for the subway ride.”

“I am an old man, Arthur. I’ve got many years of experience on you,” Gaius chuckled. “Trust me when I say you ought to stay and find happiness there. Look in new places. New York will surprise you.”

“I hate it here.”

“You won’t. I promise you won’t a year from now.”

“Gaius? Tell my Father… tell him thank you, if you’re right about all this.”

“I will. Promise to call me again sometime soon?”

“Yes, Gaius.”

Arthur hung up. He let the phone fall out of his hands and land on the step beside his shoes. Arthur held his head in his hands. His chest felt tight and empty. In spite of the sun, Arthur shivered. He shook his head a few times and looked up. People were out in the good weather, smiling, laughing, but Arthur didn’t find anything worth smiling about.

He wanted to go home, only he didn’t really have one now.

Arthur picked up his phone and started making his way to the street. Someone bumped into him harshly on the way out of the gate, but Arthur didn’t do anything beyond mutter an apology and keep walking. His head was buzzing too loudly for him to register the black hair, the confused blue eyes, even the voice calling his name.

At his flat, Arthur deleted Morgana’s phone number from his mobile. He packed up everything he’d kept that had to do with her and put it in a box. After a minute’s consideration, Arthur put everything that had to do with Uther in there as well. When he looked up at his flat, it felt empty, but clean. Cleansed. He felt cleansed the moment he shoved the box under his bed.

Arthur went out that night. He called Percy up for the first time in weeks and dragged him to their old favorite club. Percy brought most of their friends from their floor freshman year, when Arthur had miraculously been placed in a sophomore dorm, and they had a grand old reunion. Arthur spent most of the time with Percy and Erec, who’d lived across the hall from them and driven Arthur mad whenever they ran into each other in the showers. Erec proved to be an excellent dancer, and even better in bed, better than Arthur could have imagined. He hadn’t gotten around to doing much in England after he came out, so he was glad that a lot of his “firsts” were with someone he trusted.

They hooked up for the remainder of the semester, all while Arthur somehow managed to excise every detail of his old life in England out of his new life in New York. His grades improved spectacularly. He went out often and made new friends. He almost forgot about Merlin unless they were in class debating like civilized academics.

He never called Gaius back, but Arthur knew the old man would understand.

High on the last three months of good times and good feelings, Arthur asked Erec to move in with him. Erec hesitated, choosing to take a mouthful of naan instead.

“It’s just sex, Arthur,” said Erec. “I’m flattered by the offer, but I can’t do that.”

“Oh. Well. That’s fine.”

“Is it? You said you wouldn’t get attached.”

“I’m not!”

“You just asked me to move in. That’s attached,” Erec said, putting his paper plate on the coffee table. “I can’t do anything more than sex right now.”

“I just said that’s fine.”

“And I’m saying it’s probably not,” Erec said. “I’m going to go.”

Arthur pursed his lips and nodded. “Alright.”

Erec left without another word. Arthur didn’t realize how long he sat in total silence until he went to take a bite of his food and found it ice cold. He threw it all out. Arthur opted instead for an untouched bottle of vodka Percy had given to him for his birthday. 

He considered calling Gaius now, but it seemed too late to Arthur.

\---

Arthur spent the summer doing research on location in Italy with a few other students from his program focusing on the Italian Renaissance. It was another change of scenery, and it let Arthur get a better perspective on what his life was in New York. He came back with a clear head, a plan, a drive he hadn’t felt since before the whole Morgana debacle. Arthur returned to America feeling invincible.

At the start of his junior year, Arthur found himself surrounded by a swarm of friends and acquaintances from the many parties he attended during last Spring term, his old friends from freshman year, his new friends from the summer internship – so much that Arthur completely forgot that Merlin Emrys existed.

Seeing him in his first class was like being thrown into a cold fountain all over again.

Unfortunately, Sophia felt similarly toward Arthur. She sat next to him unfailingly for the first month of class, acting appallingly sweet and kind toward him. Even after Arthur told him that he didn’t like girls _at all_ she continued to stay uncomfortably close to him. More than once Arthur caught Merlin laughing into his notebook after Sophia did something particularly obviously flirtatious. Their eyes sometimes met, too, and Arthur felt his whole body react to Merlin’s attention. He viciously ignored these reactions.

Alternatively, Arthur couldn’t quite ignore how threadbare Merlin’s clothes looked, or how he didn’t look nearly as happy and full as he had after last summer.

Arthur did his best to stay busy. The other students in his seminar class looked absolutely elated when they saw Merlin enter the room not five minutes after Arthur. Their bickering was legendary, apparently, and a course on Arthurian Romances and the Medieval Courtly Ideal wasn’t an exception. Arthur quickly learned, however, Merlin’s forte was all things medieval. He argued for the sake of the class rather than riling Merlin up – there was no winning against him now, so Arthur just gave in and watched the light in Merlin’s eyes dance as he babbled about what he clearly loved most.

By the end of October, Arthur knew he was still utterly fucked when it came to Merlin, but he didn’t mind it at all now. He was okay knowing that some part of him wanted the idiot, but the rest of him knew he’d never have him. That part of him was more than content to go to bars and chat up attractive men; that part of him kept the part devoted to Merlin quiet. The latter always seemed to shrink by Sunday morning, but come Monday – when Arthur would sit down and Sophia would descend with her claws, and Merlin was watching out of the corner of his eye, sniggering into his hand at the ridiculousness of it all – that part of him didn’t seem nearly as small.

Merlin still didn’t want to spare him more than a fleeting, slightly-friendlier-than-polite smile every morning. Arthur accepted that. He’d been a proper arse to him in the past. He still technically gave him a hard time, but it was mostly for fun, for the sake of the semi-comfortable banter they’d finally established.

“What?” Merlin asked one day as they left their seminar. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Arthur frowned.

“Like… I don’t know,” Merlin said, frowning too, now. “Never mind.”

“Idiot,” Arthur muttered.

“Prat.”

“Wait – you going to the mixer tonight?” Arthur blurted. Merlin cocked his head.

“Oh! That thing. No. It’s my friend’s birthday. We’re going to Lips,” Merlin added with a mischievous smile. Arthur couldn’t help but laugh.

“Don’t pass that one up,” Arthur said.

“See you Monday?” said Merlin, turning the other way. Arthur nodded and walked out of the building. He paused on a bench and let his heart calm down. He felt a vague mix of disappointment and excitement. This was an improvement. This was better.

\---

The semester passed uneventfully, and over the break Arthur went back to Italy with his internship friends. Giuseppe was as good a friend to Arthur then as he had been over the summer. Arthur kept in touch with him for a few weeks after returning to America for the second time, but they agreed that it was over for them. Arthur knew not to repeat old mistakes and expect more than sex.

Arthur searched for a job, or at least a paid internship, for the coming term. His trip to Italy drained his funds. In February, Arthur lucked out and got an interview at a major publishing house that distributed historical texts and put out a well-known journal. At the beginning of March, Arthur began working as an intern in the editorial department, working on sifting through submissions to the journal. By the end of April, his boss told Arthur he would be set to join the staff permanently if he kept up the good work between now and graduation.

That Spring was the first time Arthur didn’t have more than one class with Merlin. The one they shared was the last of the degree requirements. Merlin didn’t go out of his way to interact with Arthur; in fact, his distance seemed even less friendly than during the Fall semester. Then, of course, they reached more controversial material in class, and Merlin _had_ to open his big mouth. Arthur had to respond in kind.

And so it began.

They were calling each other names all over again by the end of the semester. It wasn’t as vicious as during sophomore year, but they’d lost something between Fall and Spring. That knowledge lodged itself deep in Arthur’s belly and made his footsteps a little heavier after every reminder and interaction.

In May, Arthur ignored a call during their shared lecture. His phone rang a second time and Arthur excused himself to answer.

“Pendragon,” he answered automatically.

“Arthur.”

He almost dropped his phone.

“Father?”

“I wanted to congratulate you on your job,” Uther said. “I’ve sent you a gift. I believe you’ll receive notice of it in the mail either today or tomorrow.”

Arthur couldn’t respond.

“I’m proud of you, son. Take care.”

He hung up. Arthur didn’t return to the lecture hall until after class let out. He walked down the steps slowly, still in a daze, and picked up his books and cardigan.

“Arthur.”

He spun around. Merlin was standing not a foot and a half away, hovering in the aisle above him.

“Everything all right?” Merlin asked.

“Yes,” he said, drawing out the vowel. Merlin’s lips twitched, fighting a smile. “Why?”

“You ran out and didn’t come back….”

“Noticed, did you?” Arthur teased. He started for the door, Merlin following.

“Your phone interrupted the lecture twice. _Everyone_ noticed,” Merlin said. “You look a bit pale. You sure everything’s fine?”

Arthur paused.

“Do you ever miss England?”

Merlin stopped walking.

“England?” he repeated.

“That’s what I said.”

“Why are you asking?”

“Just… curious, I suppose,” Arthur said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Sometimes. I was happy to leave, though.”

“Me too.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” Arthur said simply. He grinned. “Bye, Merlin.”

When Arthur got back to his flat, he found an envelope in the mail requesting vehicle pick-up from the nearest BMW dealer in one week’s time.

\---

It was his boss who let it slip that Uther Pendragon was an old business associate. Arthur asked a total of two questions before announcing his resignation from the job. He stormed out of the office, punching Uther’s number into his mobile.

“You made them give me the job,” he said without preamble.

“What on earth are you talking about Arthur?”

“My job at the publisher’s. You called in a favor. I didn’t get it on my own merits,” said Arthur. “I quit, you know. You can take the damn car back, too.”

“You _quit_? Are you out of your mind?”

“No! Listen closely – I don’t want your help, not if this how you’ll do it,” Arthur stated. He walked through the gates of the university and cut through the main quad. “I want to earn this, Father. You can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Make me stay here. I’ll stay because I want to. Don’t think I’m coming back to England any time soon, not after this.”

“I did what was best. I wanted you to have secure future! Is that so terrible?”

“Yes! Apparently, it is.”

“I only have your best interests at heart.”

“Frankly, Father, I don’t think that matters to me,” said Arthur. “I’ll tell you if I ever need your help, and I’ll thank you for it if you do help. But if I don’t, don’t step in, or you’ll never hear from me again.”

“Arthur,” Uther said, fury plain in his voice. Arthur paused. Uther sighed. “Keep the car.”

“Goodbye, Father.”

Arthur ended the call and turned the damn phone off. He stripped off his suit jacket and undid the top buttons of his shirt. He rolled up his sleeves. Arthur found an empty space on the lawn and settled under a tree.

Arthur didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until someone kicked his leg.

“Wha—Merlin! Stop kicking me!” Arthur exclaimed, springing away.

“It’s starting to rain, you prat! I’m trying to help!”

Sure enough, the heavens burst and it was suddenly pouring. Arthur took off at a run for the nearest building, Merlin close on his heels. They were still soaked by the time they got inside.

Arthur started to walk away.

“A simple thanks might be nice, once in a while!” Merlin shouted.

“What for?”

“I just—”

“Don’t. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want any help. I don’t want anything from you,” Arthur said in a low voice.

“Fine,” Merlin said, throwing his hands up. His gaze cooled, turned to steel. “I don’t understand what your problem is, Arthur. What have I ever done to you?”

“What’s it matter? You said you don’t care what I think of you.”

“Wha—that was ages ago!”

“Forgive me if I don’t have reason to think otherwise,” Arthur shouted, rounding on Merlin. “You’ve done nothing but make my life difficult for the last three years.”

“Me? _You’re_ the one who’s difficult!”

“Really? You’re the one being terribly difficult now. Why is that?”

“Because _you’re_ being an arse!”

“Ugh! Just – no. I don’t care. I just – I’m done with this. Screw you,” Arthur said. He backed away and left before Merlin could elicit another outburst from him.

Arthur berated himself all the way back to his flat. He didn’t know how he’d fallen for that complete _idiot_. He wasn’t good for him at all – he was Arthur’s stress, his anger, he was frustration in every sense of the word. Arthur suddenly, desperately, wanted to excise Merlin from his life like he’d done to his old life in England.

He deleted Uther from his phone while he fumed about Merlin.

No. Emrys wasn’t worth his time. He’d been barely civil to Arthur at best in the last year or so. There was no reason to believe they could ever be something more than competitors in the classroom. They weren’t friends. They didn’t care about each other. Arthur had no reason to feel anything but barely-contained resentment for him. That was their relationship, essentially – barely-contained resentment, Arthur decided.

Arthur went to bed feeling entirely disenchanted with Merlin Emrys. He felt ill.

Unfortunately, when he woke, he realized that the vehemence of his reaction the night before only spoke volumes of just how much he cared, and of how much Uther’s actions upset him. Apart from his coursework, there was little else Arthur felt he could care about in New York. He felt passion for nothing else. England was behind him. Eyeing the car keys on his kitchen counter warily, Arthur knew that _Uther_ was finally behind him, too.

Merlin, though. He wasn’t ready to let go of Merlin. He couldn’t bear it.

\---

Percy and most of his friends graduated that May. At the graduation ceremony, Arthur saw Merlin with a small group of people Arthur came to recognize as Merlin’s main group of friends. They made eye contact once, but Merlin looked away without so much as a smile. Arthur breathed deeply, steadying the turmoil in his gut, and turned his back to him, focusing on friends he knew in he’d probably never see again.

\---

Arthur found a summer internship at a different publishing house. He commuted downtown on weekdays and worked from nine to five. On Fridays, he went out with his coworkers to a bar down the street from the office. He tried hooking up with one bloke, but the moment Arthur realized that he had the same dark hair and physical build as Merlin Arthur drew away.

The internship ended in mid-August. Arthur kept to himself for the last two weeks of summer. He jogged and listened to music he’d never heard of before. He found a temporary job at a café around the corner. He fixed his course schedule so he could keep working part-time there until the end of the Fall semester.

They had two classes together this semester, which surprised Arthur, since they had different concentrations within the program. Arthur kept as large a space as possible between him and Merlin. He watched, observed the way Merlin became thinner as the weeks wore on. Dark circles dug deep under Merlin’s eyes. His clothes hung off his body in a way that made Arthur stop caring about the shame he felt at how he’d behaved last time they interacted.

He outright apologized. Merlin didn’t say anything in response, only listened, but at least he listened.

They continued debating in class. Arthur kept up the appearance that they were intellectual mortal enemies, but he just played devil’s advocate most of the time. He found he agreed with Merlin on almost everything now. Merlin often narrowed his eyes at Arthur before zeroing in on a miniscule flaw in his logic and taking him down. Arthur internally rejoiced at the glimmer of triumph on Merlin’s face in those moments.

Then there stopped being a glimmer at all. Merlin was withering away as winter approached, and Arthur didn’t really know what to do about it. He tried approaching Merlin, but it was no good. He was clearly stressed, and unbearably prickly around Arthur. He took the hint and backed off, but Arthur didn’t stop watching.

The air grew colder and Merlin didn’t appear to notice; he kept wearing his tattered brown jacket that didn’t seem warm enough even in the autumn. Merlin caught Arthur rolling his eyes at this one day and scowled hard enough to make Arthur avoid looking directly at him for the entire class period. Merlin was still in his periphery, at least.

Going into finals, Arthur knew he wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on Merlin for a long time, what with the break approaching. He had to hope that the fool was making at least a slight effort to take care of himself. Arthur kept to his flat to study. He only caught sight of Merlin arriving at their last final – the last of the exam period before the university was set to close up for the winter break – running in with less than a minute to spare. His hair was sticking up in several directions and he looked like he hadn’t properly eaten in at least a day. And, yet again, all he had was his tattered brown jacket, even though there was a blizzard brewing outside.

Arthur sighed deeply and accepted the exam from the proctor. He put Merlin out of his mind for the next two hours. He worried about the idiot, but Arthur felt the clock of his time at the university ticking. He accepted he’d never get to be more than an intellectual mortal enemy to Merlin at this point. Friendship was most likely beyond them. Not for the first time lately, he wondered if it was time to let him go, too, and prepare to move on to a new part of life.

Arthur shook his head and wrote his name on the exam booklet. He could think about it later, after the exam was over; one more day of dwelling on Merlin Emrys wouldn’t hurt him.


End file.
